[Vanessa wrote this post by speaking these thoughts aloud and I (Jessica) just typed. :)]
Hello friends and family! :)
It’s been quite a while since you’ve heard from me, so I think it’s a good time to tell you! ;)
In general, it’s going great. All of you are helping me a lot, and I really enjoy it.
I still have the motto of living sincerely, and living each day to its fullest, which actually is rather easy. So I hope you all are willing to do this. It’s my main goal for you to have a good life!
What do you think would make your life better? I’d be willing to help you with it, if you need it. :)
Right now, I don’t have any new medical difficulties. But I still have the ones I had before. So I tend to usually ignore the bad parts (like the medicines and the pain and the details and the stages).
So far I’ve had lots of help from all of you, with meals and gift cards and visits. Jess is working on setting up an online schedule for times more people can visit, so it’ll be coming soon!
Right now, I’m still stage 4 and in hospice, who visit me every week to make sure I have my medicine and to flush my port when it needs it.
Right now I think about death sometimes. I know it will happen and it’s really hard because I fear my family will bear the worst of it. So when it does happen, please help them.
I don’t really understand where I will go when I die. I guess where you go you stay there forever, but I don’t get what it’ll look like. Are we humans in a different place? Do we still talk? What is heaven and what do we do there? Do we dance around and sing? I have these questions, but I also don’t feel very religious. I hope I will be able to communicate with you all still living. That would be exciting because I could participate and know what is happening still. I know it’ll happen so I’ll just have to deal with it the best way I can.
The little boys I am thinking about, Jess’ kids, might not understand what happened and where I will be, so I asked Jess to try to explain it to them. Being so young and not real mature they will need a different explanation.
So in general, everyone is in my thoughts. Especially Billy. I can’t even imagine how he is dealing with it and being ok. So far he’s been my biggest supporter. So please remember him when I am gone, and help him out. I hope he can continue life and maybe even find another relationship when the time is right. I’m glad we’ve been together so far and really love each other. Billy likes to talk about me to his friends (Bosom Buddies shout out!), so I hope he’ll be ok.
Mom and Dad have been great too. But for them it might be even harder to accept and move on. I want Mom to simply talk to others and get through it and learn how to handle it. Dad doesn’t like to talk about it, but just gives me great hugs (he’s the best hugger in the world). I hope he can connect with Mom about this and talk to his buddies.
I can tell you what happened 10 years ago, but not yesterday because my memory is pretty much gone. So I might need some reminders. This will make it all real, and when I remember, it makes me feel better. :)
I’m not having much pain. Sometimes I get headaches, but most days I am great. I can go up the steps just fine.
Lately I have thought about wanting to help some babies, kids or animals. I always wave at kids everywhere I go. Me and Billy and Reuben went to the pet store for our dog, and they watched me pet the little kittens. They were really cute! :) Since we can’t have children, I would like to help ones that need it.
I know I am important to you, but lots of people need help. So just remember if you can do that, it will be good for them.
[~Here I (Jess) prompted her to end each sentence I started:]
~I am sad about: not being able to have my own children.
~I am happy about: your support so far. And I know it will continue, so thank you very much.
~I am worried about: I don’t want my family to get in a twist and feel real sad.
~I am excited about: Living sincerely, helping people, spreading the word.
Thanks for reading and learning about me.